Filled with empty spaces

There are these spaces in your heart. Where no one stays. Which was on rent and now is vacated perhaps. You close those doors and decide to never look for tenants again. But with some time in hand, you can't help but wonder through those empty corridors in your heart.... checking for leakage, checking for seepage, or maybe paying an honorary visit? It is then when you write such a blog.

Emptiness. How do you define it or deal with it? There are many kinds of emptiness... 1. When what you were hugely occupied with gets over like a project at hand. 2. When people you've spent everyday with move away leaving a gaping vacuum. 3. When work which you otherwise worship seems to go slow giving you more time to think which isn't always a good thing. 4. When your life's just about okay but your loved ones have no time for you. and 5. lonely winter days when a mind blowing movie just got over leaving you deep sea diving in your emotional cesspool.

Its a strange feeling, this feeling of nothingness... its not like you're sad, it's not like you're not. You're stuck in middle. A bit let down, a bit angry with yourself, you are once again in a zone you hate. It's like standing on the edge and looking down at the sheer drop and almost wanting to feel the rush, the rush of letting it all go... But then something holds you back... and it is that something, that something you need to identify, that something that saves you every time. And as long as you know what that is... you're good. And as i always say... to know what it feels like to be full... brimming full of life...  you have to know what it is like to be empty, as empty as a lone classroom in the summer break, as empty as a banquet hall after a party...     

Once in a while...

Once in a while... life loves you back showering you with its best... once in a while you wake up with a smile and feel alive and tingly. Once in a while you travel with your mind, and let your feelings take you places. Once in a while you just junk your troubles and decide to break free. Once in a while you indulge without guilt and buy yourself something expensive. Once in while you clutch your dreams close and feel them rubbing against your cheek. Once in a while you tell yourself... it's okay... it's okay to be who you are, and that your flaws are pretty too. Once in a while you find friends at the most unlikely places and laugh and cry and make memories that are forever warm. Once in a while you let go of the past, you let it all wash over your feet and find your footing again in the present. Once in a while you're just happy to be you and you take photographs with our eyes, trying to remember all of it... and all this, because you know deep inside that it all happens just once in a while!

The culinary kind

Being an avid masterchef watcher, and having a passion for cooking, i live, breath recipes, cooking terminologies, techniques and never run out of good food. (that's not always good for the waist line though) And the word Chef in my dictionary comes with this ethereal glow!  I always look at them with deep admiration. The power to woo millions of people, the ability to work magic with their flavours, the way they seduce taste buds to come back for yet another helping over and over again. It is all like a dream. A dream i never wanna wake up from. But having stared and idolized so many celeb chefs like Jammie Oliver, Nigella Lawson, Julia Child on television... i never knew what it would be like to actually know a real chef. And learn about the life in the kitchen. And as luck would have it now i have the honour of not only knowing but being friends with two star chefs!

So you might wonder what are the perks of hobnobbing with the culinary kind?
1) the ultimate high with endless food conversations(anytime of day or night)
2) free goodies from the kitchen (utter glee)
3) Having all your questions answered (nirvana)
4) Getting the first glimpse of their creations (cartwheels in the air)
5) getting the right opinion on your food (thumbs up)
6) and being in this whole different world of doughs, stuffings, creams, icings, meat, pies, pastries...
If i could just curl up with that good food blanket trust me i would be in heaven...

With life being like cactus at times, this pillow of goodness is almost unreal. And as i gravitate towards my hatted geniuses i pray that this journey of knowing, sharing, growing never ends and our plates always stay full! And our glasses overflow with good cheer! 

Boxed in blues

The process of shifting homes is a funny one. It makes you happy for new beginnings and sad for whatever you are leaving behind. As i pack the precious past four years into cardboard cartons i try to bring some sense of order into my life which at this moment is all tied up in knots. It's past 1 am and i am stuffing memories big and small, rusted and shiny, faded and flawed all into boxes, couldn't i just pack my heart up in one and send it far away so i never have to deal with it anymore?

When i see the quantity of books, cds, clothes, shoes, utensils i have i wonder how many people live within me to have purchased and lived with all this stuff. I have a tendency to throw away nothing. From old ticket stubs to unwearable shoes, unopened wedding gifts to clothes gone out of fashion... why couldn't i throw them away? what's this unhealthy attachment all about? And here's another question gone unanswered.

What do you do to keep being needed? Do you hold on do you let go? What do you use, to make those walls, so no one can touch you? Anymore?

 And when that last box is loaded... how empty or how full will life be?

Upgrading to Version 30.0?

Birthdays. i dread them. And mine is in the offing.

Dread this more for am quite literally about to be an old old dame, and plan to gift myself an anti-aging hamper complete with creams and lotions of all sorts. Plan to cry me a river, and get so so drunk! But 30? c'mon seriously? and i don't feel a day over 20!!? but then we never wanna grow up...do we? Specially when we haven't quite met the goals in mind.

We women love being a strapping 20 something... it almost gives you a licence... licence to flirt... to party hard... to shirk a few responsibilities... to get away with most things... to cut queues... put career first... but then when 30 looms large... one can't help but ask the main question... am i where i wanted to be at 30?

Apart from instant death of 'youth' what else am i gaining at 30? By now i always thought... I'd make tons of money(Mark Zuckerberg made a billion by 23), be jet setting across the globe, sipping cocktails in Miami, having a photography exhibition, cooking in Cairo, growing thinner by the day, and be holding at least one Cannes in my hands!! well none none of it has happened yet!! and old age comes knocking! And ooh i almost forgot about the biological clock which is by now sounding like a really annoying alarm! Man.... what pressure!?

But again... all i can say is... I've discovered myself in the 20s and have loved each bit of it... dated wrong guys, found the right one, loved university, learnt new things, tried all the evils of the world, became more sure of myself, got a job i loved... manage to have kept it... lost closest of friends, made new ones... so if at all i need to bid farewell to my 20s... it should be with a giant hug... because for the first time i feel ready... ready for whatever maybe in store for me... a sense of calm, a sense of control... so my dear 30s here i come... with all my dreams... hopes... aspirations... if you give me crows feet... gray hair... and knee pain... i shall embrace you anyways... because you damn well will show me a good time...

So goodbye my roller-coaster 20s... you were wild and beautiful... and howdy my flirty thirties... you will be the best thing yet!

just like that!

what almost a year passed? i feel like rip van winkle. so much has seriously happened but i feel just as dazed... like i just woke up! for starters i sure look plumper. i've become more of a work maniac. i still have no money. social life is still zilch. i'm still living in chaos. and i'm still loving life. not so much of a change but i guess i'm more at peace with who i am and what i stand for. some zillion movies later my various epiphanic moments have lead me to light. i guess i found my path. i realise that on a saturday morning there might be nothing in the fridge but beer, but i like the imperfections. suddenly i have started to see point in the darkness, the privileges of pain. so what next? i dunno... and that's the exciting part! :)

You must learn to earn...

Earlier Jamai Shoshti used to work differently. It used to be a kind of bribe given to Jamais by their in-laws for keeping their daughters happy. Today you don't get it unless you earn it! It's that simple and that difficult...

Sample this. A conversation between the Jamai who hasn't been good, meaning no brownie points for him, and the not so happy shashuri:

At the dinning table:
Jamai: Ma ar ektu dal deben
Shashuri: (angry mukh jhamta) Ar dal hobena, barir onyerao to khabe na ki!
Jamai: Ma ar ekta bati dile macher kanta gulo pheltam ar ki...
Shashuri: (angrier)Kajer lok chuti te gechey... ke majbe eto bashon?
Jamai: Ma ar ekta potoler dorma nebo!
Shashuri: (now livid) Hain tahole jao ge potol tule ano!
Jamai: Ar ektu mangsho hobe ki?
Shashuri: (irritated) Dam jano je maghsho chaicho?
Jamai: Bah besh khelam ebar pan ta?
Sheshuri: (sarcastic) seki tomar pan dosh achey? agge janle meyer shonge biyei ditam na...
khawa hole bashon meje okhane rekhey debe ar notun panjabi ta khule bhanj kore rekhey jabe... ar misti, phol ja diyechi ogulo dite hoy bole dilam, ogulo tomar prapyo noy, tai fridge e tule debe...

This could be the fate of all the jamais... who were not obedient, not giving enough with their credit cards, didn't get a raise or a promotion... didn't buy their wives that piece of jewellery or didn't take her on a much desired holiday... so to all my guy friends who are married... learn to earn the treat and gifts for Jamai Shoshti, otherwise.... your day might not turn out the way you imagined it in your head! You could say good bye to second helpings, sumptuous food and any respect given to you for that matter! Coz in this world nothing comes for free... So to earn the platter learn to flatter your shashuri and your wife all year long...!